It's late...

I dozed off on the sofa earlier tonight, so now I am awake, and my mind is not ready to settle for the night.

Maddie is not doing well this evening. More so than ever. Mike said that if she continues on this path, we are probably going to be saying goodbye to her next weekend. Yuk. I mean..I just don't want to say goodbye, but I also don't think it's fair of us to keep her here, especially if she is in this much pain. She is slipping and falling all of the time on her back knees. HER mind is HERE though, and she wags her tail non stop. So for me...how do you knowingly just well, for lack of a better word, kill her spirit? She obviously is still here, still happy. But, she is in a lot of pain. A lot. She can barely put weight on that foot at all now. The limp is very awkward, and very hard to watch..but yet she jumps on my bed each chance she gets, and is smiling, and always by my side. So for me to say, well, lets take her to say goodbye, I can't wrap my mind around it, but I am sure I will get some clarity this coming up week. I know we all say we have had the best dogs in the world, I just wish everyone could meet her. She is the most loving, the most loyal, the most beautiful dog I will ever have. I know though that I need to help her move on. I am stressed 24/7 over her. The meds, the constant meds..did I wait too long in between giving them to her? Is she in pain while I am at work? My mind is busy with worry, worry...I think when we say goodbye it will be, 1: One of the hardest things we will go through, and 2: a relief that she isn't in pain anymore, and we can move on with the grieving process. All of this pre-grieving is harder than anything. All of the pets we have lost in the family have been sudden losses, so for her to go from where she was at Thanksgiving, to this, is hard.

Matthew is so sad..and he has the softest heart. He keeps accidentally seeing these commercials with the pets in the cages that are being abused, and he wants to help them all, and his heart breaks for them..so much that he can't stop crying. I know he is stressed about Maddie too. He loves on her and tells her he will miss her, and that she has been a good doggie to his mommy. I mean, c'mon...if that doesn't pull at you, I don't know what will do it.

Mad's...I will never forget all of our snuggle times, all of our vacations together, all of the times you chased the gulls on the beach, and how you ran and ran and ran to your hearts content. I will never forget how much love you showed us. How even though you rarely ever barked, you were able to so loudly communicate with us through your eyebrows, through your constant pawing at me, your constant leaning against me, and how loyal you have been to me...making sure I was never left alone because you didn't like being left alone. If only humans could be as good to eachother the way our dogs are to us. Awww the life of a golden. It can't be matched. It can't.