Obsessed with constantly trying to remember Katelynn's birth, her surgery, and her whole ordeal. I am constantly sitting here thinking about it and how I don't ever want to forget it. I lay in bed at night holding her, reminding myself about this and that with the hospital. Why? Why do I want to remember so much? Why can't I just go on and let things be as they are moving now?
I just cleaned my whole kitchen tonight, and as I am scrubbing dishes, I am thinking about the drive up there, I am telling myself as soon as I sit down that I want to think about her surgery. What the heck is wrong with me? I just don't get it. When I feel the memories slipping away about it, I struggle to regain them. Is this normal? Why do I feel the need to consume my mind with these things?
She is getting older now, and doing so many more things..she plays with her hands, she eats her hands, she grabs her toys, she reaches for things..she now cries when I leave the room, and she has discovered her feet and tries to grab at them now at diaper changes..she laughs, she squeals..but my mind just keeps drifting back to seeing her in her little nicu bed in the hospital with all of her cords attached to her. She was sooo little, and so fragile, and to hear all of her machines beeping and squawking 24/7 was such a huge part of her life. I know that I need to let these thoughts go, and I want to, I just don't know how.
I am consumed with emotions and feelings for her. I would give anything for her to never get a broken heart (that is how we refer to it when talking to Matthew) again. I don't think I will ever be able to "let it go" and move through life without the constant worry if her condition will return. I hear about people all around me with CFH (congestive heart failure) that are not able to live long lives because they were born with conditions with their hearts, and after repairs not working, they are being told there is nothing else that can be done for them. That is my biggest fear! I just want to watch my daughter grow up to be an incredible lady, and just have this all be such a distant memory that she went through as she was young, but my conscious tells me to hold on to these memories in case I am ever blind sighted later in life at one of her heart appointments. I really just need to let.it.go and live in the now, but I am so afraid to let it go. I think I need therapy.
4 comments:
No H, you need to scrapbook/journal it all. I promise it will be okay once its written down for you to keep for ever. It was a tough thing to go thro, dont be so hard on yourself dealing with it.
hugs
melanie..x
Exactly, write it all down, get it out of your head. That was a very painful, stressful time for you guys. You will never be able to forget about it and even if she lives to 100 you'll always have that little fear in the back of your head. TOTALLY NORMAL.
I agree Heather! Lova ya!
Big hugs, H. I agree--write it down. I wrote down the birth stories of both girls, and I love going back and reading them. It's emotional, but I know I have all the details there. I'll never forget. xoxo T
Post a Comment