My summary of 2008. (Warning, this is a doozy!)

It took me 10 days to think about how I wanted to write this, so here goes..

To summarize my past year as we start this brand new year..
It was a whirlwind year for us. January 11th, (tomorrow) I got my very first of many..many..positive pregnancy tests. I was on cloud 9, and scared at the same time. I wondered if we would be great parents to 2 children, if we would be able to handle it, what would a 2nd child bring to the mix?

Soon after that, we dealt with the loss of Mike's father. We watched him go from being in remission, to eventually passing away to cancer in a way I hope that nobody ever has to see in their entire life. He passed away March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. We miss him so much!

In April, I lost my job. We found out early February that we were going to be closing, but that they would give us 2 months to prepare us for new work. I remember being just devastated that this was going on..right in the middle of us losing Mike's dad, and myself being pregnant.

May 14th is when I had my ultrasound, and we found out we were having a GIRL! We were so thrilled that our dreams had come true! I can remember being so hot and miserable that day because of the summer heat that we were dealing with, and to see within seconds of her having the u/s sound wand on me that it was a girl was incredible! Then she said that she thought there was something "off" a bit with the heart, but it was just positional, so we would need to come back as baby grew to make sure it was just a bad angle with the pictures.

..that brought on 3 more months of wondering if there was something wrong with the baby or not. I went to what seemed like appointment after appointment looking for that glimpse of hope that everyone was wrong, and that baby was fine after all.

On July 28th, it was confirmed that our baby did indeed have some heart defects and that we would need to see the head honchos up in Portland to get their opinions.

On August 22nd, my father in law's would be birthday, we drove to Portland to meet with the specialists up there to see what they thought was wrong with the baby. We were told that she had several heart defects, and that I would HAVE to have her up there, and she would HAVE to have surgery on her heart right after she was born. I think I died a little inside me on that exam table. I have never, ever stopped forgetting that day. We had so much hope that we would be getting good news, and to hear that it was worse than we had expected was just heartbreaking. We stopped for dinner on the way back, and I just sobbed and sobbed through the whole meal. I felt like such a failure of a wife to Michael. He and I cried together and he assured me that we could do anything. He is such a strong husband.

All the while this past year, I learned of a band named O.A.R. I loved listening to their music style, and I believe it was after my appointment in July here in town with the specialists, that I took myself on a long drive alone. I went to just clear my head about things, and as I was at a stop light, I heard their new song, Shattered. Instantly it became my anthem to everything that had happened to me/us this past year, and what we were dealing with at the time. Line after line of the lyrics were just incredible. I felt so instantly connected right there.

I can remember that dreadful day driving up to Portland to learn our fate, and as we were cruising through all of the radio stations, that song must have played 3 times before we got up there. I had memorized the words long before that, but hearing it just made more sense to me. As we got closer to the hospital, I got more nervous, and just wondered when I was going to eventually break down.

The following month, in the wee hours we were driving up to Portland on the day to give birth to Katelynn, I listened to that whole cd, and it brought me a lot of peace. I know we all connect to songs, that is what they are for, it just brings tears to my eyes, and my heart beams with love for my daughter when I listen to it now.

If you are still reading, bless you. I just have to get these thoughts out while they are in my mind. I have been wanting to write this down forever.

To have so many things happen over and over and over to you, it killed me inside. The day of her surgery was probably the worst day I have ever lived. I can remember collapsing into Mike's arms as he got out of his car when he met me at the Ronald McDonald House. He wasn't able to be there for her surgery, and there were so many things that took me off guard with her surgery that day and evening.

I had begged God to heal her so that I wouldn't have to go through this as I was not a strong person. He held my hand the entire way to show me that yes, I can be a strong person, and that all I need to do is trust him. I have so much renewed faith in what this world brings now, especially when I look at my daughter. I love my son with all my heart and soul, but to be witness to everything she has been through in her little life, it is amazing.

I don't think I could have gone through everything that I did, if it were not for my girlfriends. I am really blessed.

So, here is to 2009. I am looking forward to an incredible year. A year of good health, good love, great friendships, and good memories.

PS...I get to go see my band play Shattered next Friday night. Oh what a night that will be. I am really looking forward to this as a way to top off the year, and go into the New Year. YAY!