Matthew....

He is always going to be my baby. Ya know? I just can hold him still, and he lets me hold him, like really lets me hold him. I know I don't have much time with this, as at any given point it will stop..but nights like tonight, I just really cherish. And it isn't just me. He doesn't let me do it for me, he needs it too.

We watched Home Alone last night, and did the 2nd one tonight. I was cold tonight, and asked if I could hold him to warm up, and he said yes. Well that ended up being the best snuggle I have had in a long time. I just love his smell, his soft voice asking me things about the movie, and having what he would consider adult conversation with him. I answer him honestly about things, but carefully too. I love that I can talk with him on a different level about things, but I also love that he still needs me to caress him, to just give him that affection that a mom knows how. I am not clingy by any means, and I am careful to ask him each time if I can just sit with him, and share things, and he is always so eager to just have that special quiet time.

I feel so many times that I failed in the beginning. I know I had PPD when he was born. I struggled a lot with feelings that I wasn't good enough, and I guess I still do at times. I was so caught up in feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I just need to get through the motions, and this too shall pass, but I was missing so many fucking things that I should have been enjoying. I got caught up on a message board, and caught up in so much stupid drama that I was anxious at times to get him on a routine, and get him in bed so I could feel like I belonged to something, but shoot. I belonged with him, and missed out.

I know I can't dwell on the past. I realized that a long time ago. But I think I keep getting 2nd chances all over again, and I think I am super lucky that he is always here, so willing to please, and he is just the most amazing boy you would ever meet. I can't tell him enough how proud I am to be his mother. I mean he just takes on so many things, and is the very best helper, and wants to please, and it isn't because I think he is missing something in his life. I tell him time and time again that I don't know how I got so lucky to be his mother. I was blessed time and time again, and I just wish he knew how lucky I feel. I won the lottery, and I continue to get my lucky numbers called daily seeing him grow, and mature, and he is so intelligent. He just has so much to offer the world. I am rambling and babbling now..lol..

But it's nights like tonight. He tells me how much he loves me, and I am in awe at how in touch he is with his feelings, and I think that is pretty good that he can express himself. He also fights for what is right, and he and his dad can really argue, and at times when I see him not backing down for what he feels is right, it is in those moments I am most proud of him. Not that I am proud that he and dad are fighting or arguing about a mess that needs cleaned up..or because of something breaking, and him not wanting to be blamed for it..but that he has found a strong voice that he won't allow himself to be walked on by peers, or at least make a good point in what he feels is right. He is a good kid. And, he can only get better, and better.

Matthew. One day you will read this when I am gone, and you have this bound into a hard cover book. You will hear me tell you a thousand more times, but for tonight let me just say:

 "You are everything to me. You are everything I could ever imagined you would become, and so much more. You will be an amazing father, an amazing partner to whomever you fall in love with. I love you to the moon and back again, and again."

Love,
Mommy.