Osteocarcinoma..

Is the google search of choice of late. And it all says the same thing. Time is limited. Time that I grasp to wonder how much is left? Will she go before Christmas? I think one of the hardest things, and trust me, there are a ton. One of them is my doubting myself. Everyone says she will tell me. But see, I am a selfesh person. I am. I want as MUCH time as I can get. Hell, if I had it my way, I would carry her out to potty, and carry her everywhere for the rest of her life if it meant that she is still alive. She can lay on the sofa, and I will just baby her for as long as it takes.

But....

Is that the humane thing to do for her? It is about her, and not me. I can't grasp that yet. It is all about me, and my feelings. She doesn't know there is something wrong with her, she knows there is something wrong with me though, and she is trying to fix me. I am so in tune with her, how can I not know this? She is in pain, yes. But she acts as though it is nothing. She is walking normal, but with a little something. Maybe you wouldn't even notice, but we do. She met me at the door tonight, dancing, sooo thrilled to see her mommy. This morning she wouldn't let me leave. She stood between me and the door. She didn't want me to go. She knows she needs to make me right..this has always been her job she has put on herself.

Maddie has always been there for me. I knew the day I went to look at her we would have a long lasting bond. From the moment we adopted her, she became my forever "velcro dog" a term that everyone told me from just newly meeting us. I told Katies daycare lady today about her. She also has 2 goldens, and we had a good long cry, even with her husband. A Golden is not like any other animal. It doesn't know it isn't a dog...they think they are humans.

I asked Mike what we should do last night, and he said as much as I don't want to hear that she is not going to suffer, he said that I am giving her a soul she doesn't have, and that is why I am having a hard time with this.

I told Matthew tonight on the way home she was sick and explained it all to him. He understands, and he had a good cry about it. He loves her, but even he said, "are you going to be okay when your doggy goes to heaven? He can even see how much her and I love eachother. It is going to be so hard.