Finally took a VERY big step..

And went to the Dr today. I have been having chest pains for about 3 weeks now, and a racing pulse (up into the 120's) has been happening for the past few months. At rest, my pulse is always in the 80's, but mid-day, it creeps way up. My dr I work for has been teasing me that I need to do something about my tachycardia, (not really teasing, more like YOU NEED TO GO get checked out) since her seeing me is a conflict of interest...

So, went to the dr today, told him what was going on, even cried in front of him. What a weak person I was. I told myself I would.not.cry in front of a new dr and scare him off thinking I was nuts. He didn't think I was nuts though. He listened..he offered me tissue..he was consoling.

I struggle with the whole "stress thing"...everyone has stress. EVERYONE. Not one person is living somewhat stress free..so why should I be any different? The fact is, I should have went and talked to someone after I got home from Portland with Kate. What we went through with her was the beginning of a very stressful time. I tried to be strong, and I was...I did what I needed to do to survive, but I have never really been the same since then. I worry about everything..my heart pounds at the thought of being alone, and dealing with the stress of the kids. They unleash their stress on me (it is their right) when they see me, and that is my job to let them destress.. But I do live with daily anxiety.
Not at work..never at work. I LOVE my job. I get really worked up towards 5pm knowing it is just me getting the kids, and doing the kid thing by myself at night..(again, most people do this alone, why am I any different?) So anyways..the chest pains scared me. Dr says that he is almost 100 percent positive that I have stress tachycardia. I am in "distress" instead of just stress...I am exhibiting distress from my body not being able to process things right..there is too much going on with Mom right now..too much residual stress with Kate and her heart stuff..I am a stressor by nature, but lately I cry at anything, I feel like at any moment I could crack...I just feel like I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I am happy, yes. But in the back of my mind, I hold myself back from really enjoying anything knowing what is going on with mom, what is going on with the kids..

So long post, but needed to vent..I am going to get fitted for a holter monitor in the next couple days so that he can see what my heart is doing. I will probably wear it for a day or 2. He says he suspects it will come back 100 percent normal. I gave a bunch of blood for labs..my thyroid for one..I have been losing a ton of hair lately. Not the normal few hairs in the sink in the morning, but enough to clean out the hairbrush everyday. Mom had thyroid problems at the age I am at now, had cancer of the thyroid gland, then years later, had her thyroid removed altogether..so this is something I have to get checked. The top of my head is super thin..it is scary to me. I hope that they find something..unless again, it is stress making my hair fall out, I dunno.

And so here is the major part. I finally am on meds. I am on a highly addicted med according to the internet..whoopie! I have always joked that I need a xanax..and now I have them! I went out tonight after having one, and let me tell you...had an AMAZING night. Wasn't stressed one bit. The script is supposed to last about a week or 2 depending on how much I need it..so we will see. Hopefully I just need them for a short time. Hopefully. And hopefully my heart comes back as being good. Hopefully.