Having a really emotional time..

This is a long one tonight..bear with me.

Right now. Since this past weekend, I have been super weepy at times, and have found myself not sleeping well because of everything that surrounds us during this time. Katelynn is going to be one tomorrow, and as HAPPY and BLESSED as we are because of it, I can't help but picture myself back to where I was a year ago with her. I tried talking to Mom about it, and she said "Oh, I KNOW. I am having a very hard time with it." That may be so, but, it happened to me. Nobody can ever really know what it was to go through, and as much as they can pretend to know, it is just the most hardest thing ever to go through in your whole life. I think back, and geeze. It was yesterday, you know? I have been going through all of her pics this past year, and it is like, that pic was when she was 4 months old? No way. I took that last week of her. This year has flown by. And at top speed.
Everything about being in Portland was so stressful. I had a lot of alone time while I was there. Mike had to go back home the day after she was born to tend to the house, and to take care of Matthew..I spent a lot of time in my room, unable to move due to my surgery, and all I could do was stare at my hospital bed phone and pray that the nicu wasn't going to call me and say something horrific had happened. That was also the same way I felt as the door opened to my room and some new person wearing a white coat would walk towards me telling me that they needed to talk to me about something. You don't get a ton of rest as it is in a hospital, but when you also have your daughter one floor down from you--which seemed like miles and miles away, you get a ton of other people needing to also converse with you about her care and needs.

Her birth was a very traumatizing experience for me. There was just too much that happened, too much to think about, and I think that is what constantly haunts me. Knowing she was being whisked away from me without me getting to see her was hard..not knowing what was happening while I was being repaired was hard..just dealing with my situation was hard. I was bleeding, thank goodness they got it to stop, and my blood pressure was through the roof..I just felt so alone. I can't believe we all went through that, and we all lived to tell about it.

One night I will never, ever forget was the night Mike left to go home. We screwed up on the visiting hours in the nicu..they did rounds from I believe it was 6-7:30. Well, he and I had a late dinner, and he wanted to see her before he left to go home, (obviously.) So we went to go down, and we realized that we wouldn't be let in to see her until 7:30. He was so heartbroken. He wasn't going to see her again until after her surgery, and he had already said that he would be home by 8:00 pm. (we live 2 hours away from the hospital.) So we had to make the call that we needed more time, and thankfully it was my sister watching Matthew, and she was so understanding about it. Mike holding his baby girl that night was just the saddest, sweetest thing ever. It was a moment that him and I will remember forever, and without me divulging his emotions too much, it was just some type of scene you would see out of a movie. Obviously he didn't want to leave, her or me. I was in a wheel chair, she was so far away in the nicu, and when he finally pried himself from us and walked away, I was soooooo sad. I sat there so broken hearted. I wheeled myself back to maternity eventually, until a nurse saw me and pushed me the rest of the way. Thankfully we Skype, and we were able to "talk" on the computer when he was home. It felt good to see his face, even though he wasn't there.

My life was forever changed when I went to bed one year ago this evening. I had no idea of the incredible journey I was about to go on the next morning when I woke up to drive to have her. I had a pretty good cry tonight, and hopefully that will be the only one. I held her tight and just told her over and over how much she has changed our lives, and how I would not be the person I was today if it wasn't for her. She is special. Not just "oh, she is special..yah, yah" She is special..she has touched everyone's life that she is around. I have enjoyed being her mother. I have enjoyed sleeping side by side with her for almost a year, I have enjoyed nursing her. Even if that was incredibly hard to pump 24/7. I have enjoyed being with her. I was incredibly lucky to have been able to be home as much as I was with her. Not every mom gets that chance. I have to tell myself I was lucky, as I really was. Hopefully with time, my emotions are kept better in check. I had a hard time concentrating today, and I hope that as the week goes on, things get better..and well, this was the whole reason for writing it out. I am hoping by doing so, I can have a better night sleeping tonight.