Stressed...

I have been having a hard time at home by myself again. There is a lot to it, but one of the reasons that I know for sure is that some of it has to do with Kate being more mobile, and more in need of me in a different way than when she was just an itty bitty baby. It is effecting Matthew more now, and in turn, he is acting out, and going through some things of his own again, and I can't figure out the best way to handle it all. I want to run and hide, but obviously that isn't an option when you are the mom!

He is such a smart guy. I know he is just the sweetest guy in the world, and he has a big heart. He loves his sister so much now, and he just wants nothing more than to have a playmate out of her, but he can't yet, and it is killing him. Since she actually plays in her saucer now, he plays with her and he loves it. He is able to interact with her more and that is all wonderful..but when she needs me, he is left feeling empty, and alone, and he gets really, really needy. We went through this when we first brought her home, and then after we got a routine down after a few weeks, he got better. But now that she is awake more, and is in need of food, interaction, and playtime, it leaves him feeling sad, neglected, and that is when he acts out.

I am in a bad spot right now. I need to go to school, Mike needs to work the long hours to allow me to go to school, but Matthew needs his daddy. I am tempted to leave school, get a day job so we have full income so that Mike can stop working nights so that we can parent together. Mike says no, it isn't an option, but I don't know what else to do. I can't keep doing this night after night. It is so hard for me. All of you mothers out there that get through this, and have happy, thriving kids, I applaud you! I don't know what it is..maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Oh, I know, that was a dumb thing to say..I just need to vent it out. I admire moms that can take on so much stress and not even bat an eye..not one complaint..not one woe is me..I am not that person. I need to vent, whine, complain..it makes me feel better!

I told Mike on the phone awhile ago that I am either going to sign up for some parenting classes, or something as we need a change in this house. I can't keep doing it like this.

On a side note, I can't wait for Matthew's birthday! He is going to have an incredible day, he just doesn't know it yet. I found him a Backyardigans shirt off of Ebay and had it made with his name and his age, and he is going to FLIP OUT. :) I am going to make him a Backyardigans themed cake too. I am not going to try to make it in a shape of one of them as that would be too ambitious..but we were thinking of doing stars all over it, and the colors of the characters. I bought the cake kit from the grocery store for 7.00 from the bakery. The little scene and plastic figures that they would put on a cake you would special order..I just didn't want all of that gooey frosting, and I wanted to make it the way I would want it. I have been going to Michael's Arts and Crafts every week with a coupon in hand to be able to buy all of the supplies we will need, and I can't wait to see how it is going to turn out. I just love planning a party..especially for him, since he is so excited to have a Backyardigans party.