Saw my OB today.

She said that her and the specialist talked on the phone this morning, and he gave her the heads up of what he saw, and what is going on so she would be prepared to see me this afternoon.

I asked her what he and her talked about, and what he told her his opinion was, and she reiterated that he is almost positive that it is coarctation of the aorta, but doesn't know the severity of it.

She did tell me that when I go to see the big guys next week that it was my right to tell them that I want to deliver at the hospital here, and they will talk it over and make the decision. If they say I can, my OB then has to talk to the NICU here and see if this is something that they are able to handle here, and they have the right to say no.

It's been pretty ridiculous to go through this. I feel like I brought this on myself. Consciously I know I didn't. But I was reluctant so much to have another baby when Mike was really trying to start ttc again when Matthew was about a year and a half old. I kept saying I didn't want to temp faith, and how Matthew was so perfect..blah, blah blah..so I feel like I am being punished for saying that. Of course I know that things just happen and we have no control on life. I just can't help but feel that way. Sorry.

I am not a strong person. I know that things happen for a reason..but I honestly don't think I can take much more. I mentioned to my OB that quite frankly, I was feeling out of control, panicked, and really depressed. She offered me meds today, and I declined. I am to call her next week or so to check in with her. She tried to tell me not to do this alone, and to demand that I get help from my family. She also told me about counselors to talk to within the hospital that are here for this kinda stuff. I told her to give me one more week to decide if I want the meds as school is about over and I am not sure if I am just more overwhelmed due to that, or if it is more than that. We will see.

I am waiting to wake up as this just feels like a really bad dream.

At this point, I am just wanting to call off the baby shower. I feel like until we really know what is at hand..it will be hard to be in a celebratory mood. I don't know. I have the invites all filled and ready to send, I am just so unsure.

I guess I can't really update until I know for sure what is going to happen. It just feels so far away.

I really want to be told I will get to hold her and love on her..I want to know if she will need a feeding tube. I have so many questions that can't be answered until next week.

It is going to be a long 10 days. That's for sure.